Thorpe, Coming Off His Pedestal?

Aussie swimming legend Ian Thorpe says he's "shocked" by allegations that a test in 2006 showed abnormal levels of testosterone and some hormone that I've never heard of before. Australian Prime Minister John Howard, taking a bold political stance on the side of the revered Thorpe, said "As far as I'm concerned, until solid evidence of the contrary is produced, Ian Thorpe remains a great Australian champion."

I'm shocked, too. Shocked that anybody can be shocked at the idea that an elite athlete in a competitive sport like swimming is using illegal substances to gain an edge. I reckon there are two categories of swimmers at the ongoing swimming world championships in Melbourne -- those using steroids or growth hormones or who knows what sort of biological agents, and those who AREN'T IN MELBOURNE AT ALL!

Not to be cynical (yeah, ok, I know that I can be) but it makes you wonder whether this had anything to do with Thorpe's retirement later in 2006... And I wonder whether John Howard will have to eat his words on this one.

Live in Canberra, It's Weird Al

Rock-parody legend Weird Al Yankovic played Canberra last night -- and it was a great show. I'm amazed at how much energy Weird Al (he's 47) brings to the stage.

Highlights included a Star Wars set where he did a version of "American Pie" called "The Saga Begins" and went into a ripping "Yoda" (based on the Kinks' "Lola"), complete with a bizarre segment where Al sang nonsensical lyrics taken from real songs (you know, phrases like "pappa oo mao mao pappa oo mao mao" and "aussie aussie aussie oi oi oi") that looked for all the world like a rock star with a bad case of Tourette's Syndrome. "Smells Like Nirvana" was fantastic and so was "Canadian Idiot". The opening polka medley had funny versions of Franz Ferdinand's "Take Me Out" and some dance song by some chick (whose name I don't remember) about how you wish your girlfriend were as hot as her -- even funnier in the polka style with the wrong-gender singer. Al did a great parody of Justin Timberlake's "Someone to Love", going into the crowd and grinding his hips and butt in the faces of the folks sitting on the aisle.

The interludes where Al went off stage to change costumes (at least a dozen, including a huge fatsuit for "Fat", Star Wars gear, Amish garb for "Amish Paradise", dressing like Gilligan from "Gilligan's Isle" and even sporting a SpongeBob t-shirt at one point) were slightly annoying, although the funny clips from Al TV featuring bizarre false interviews with luminaries ranging from an incoherent Keith Richards and a babbling Paul McCartney to a mysterious Madonna, sleepy-looking Snoop Dogg, and moronic Eminem helped keep us entertained.

Al's band is great -- I was impressed how well they played songs from acts as different as Green Day and Nirvana to Red Hot Chili Peppers to Justin Timberlake and Coolio to Johnny Cash, Billy Joel, and Bob Dylan (the hilariously incomprehensible "Bob"), and even a smoking Led Zeppelin snippet during "Albuquerque".

When you have a catalogue as extensive as Weird Al's, you can't play everything. He did include some of his older classics like "Yoda," "Fat", and "Eat It", but I was a bit disappointed that he didn't do "I Lost on Jeopardy" or "Another One Rides the Bus." Still, many of the newer songs like "Sue You" and "Albuquerque" were great crowd pleasers.

But speaking of the crowd, I was surprised at how relatively passive the Canberra crowd was. Maybe this is just because most of the concerts I've seen over the past 5 years have been at Washington's 9:30 Club, an all-standing venue that forces you to get to your feet. I mean, they were responsive, clapped and cheered loudly, and clearly knew the songs -- and it was sold out. Maybe it's just the all-seater thing.

Anyway, great show -- see Weird Al and laugh.

Those Shopping Trolleys

One of the small adjustments to life down under (apart from the exploding microwaves, combat wombats, and drains that swirl the wrong way) is dealing with the shopping carts/trolleys in the groceries here. They're odd. All four wheels swivel, unlike in stores I've been in in the US, where only the first two swivel and the back two are fixed. So it makes pushing the trolleys a bit different.

Lately, on my weekly excursions to Woolies to buy dead kangaroo for the cats and some food for the humans, I've had a real run of dodgy trolleys. One wanted desperately to veer to the right -- it was almost a workout to keep it straight. Another began a most annoying squeak about 5 minutes after I started shopping -- too late to get another cart. Another shook like a space shuttle landing without its heat deflecting tiles.

Today, I thought I'd finally gotten a decent cart. It went straight when I wanted it to. It didn't squeak, shake, rattle or hum. I didn't find a sticky spot on the handle.

Then I encountered the flat escalator. I don't know what to call it -- it is like one of those long flat things that you can stand and ride on at the airport if you're lazy, except this one takes you on an incline from the level the store is on to the underground parking lot. The shopping trolleys are designed to NOT roll down -- not quite sure how it works, but it does.

But today, I hit the top of that slide and gravity immediately began to have its way with the trolley. Absolutely zero resistance for some reason. It was lucky I had that trolley and not some feeble old lady with the cart loaded with kitty litter, condensed milk, and tinned baked beans -- she could never have kept it from flying down the long ramp.

More Poetry for Your Befuddlement

Another piece of avant garde verse to share...

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Nope, not free verse from some aging beatnik, nor the product of a brilliant but drug-addled young artist. This is a piece of machine-generated poetry from one GutierrezStathis@915webdesign.com. Gutierrez, in addition to sharing that poetry with me, also kindly offered to let me by pharmaceutical products at an especially cheap price. So kind that commerce and art can mix in the same email.

Explosions in the Kitchen

While putting the finishing touches on an indian dinner, we were startled by a loud explosion of shattering glass. The microwave glass plate, and a small plate on top of it, shattered into a bazillion pieces while we were zapping a pupadum. The pupadum wasn't even close to being finished, so it had only been in there for a few seconds. Very strange.

Getting the Kinks Out of the Definitive 200

"The following list - the Definitive 200 - was developed by NARM, the National Association of Recording Merchandisers in celebration of the art form of the record album. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is pleased to recognize this varied collection of some of history’s most influencial and popular albums, many of which are Hall of Fame Inductees. "

That is from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. They were being very kind about "recognizing" this "varied" list (even if they failed to spell influential correctly). But the "Definitive 200" is one of the worst "all-time great album" lists I have ever seen.

I realize that I won't like all 200 albums in such a list unless I am the author. And I have no problem with the list going beyond rock and roll to include rap, blues, jazz, etc -- that's fine. But still, there are some truly inexplicable choices included - and some significant omissions, and many outright odd placements.

The list starts off well, if predictably.

1. BEATLES – SGT. PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND
2. PINK FLOYD – DARK SIDE OF THE MOON
3. MICHAEL JACKSON – THRILLER
4. LED ZEPPELIN – LED ZEPPELIN IV

Okay. Pepper's & Dark Side are very often at the top of such lists, with reason. "Thriller" was Jackson's best album and, although not my cup of tea, had all-time high sales and rave critical reviews, plus some neat videos from back when Michael Jackson still looked like Michael Jackson. It belongs in the top 200 and being near the top is OK. Led Zeppelin IV (aka "Zoso," the one with Stairway to Heaven) being so high is a small bit of a surprise; many critics don't rate that as Zep's best album, but it's not out of place.

But they have U2's "The Joshua Tree" at number 5. Hmm. It's not even U2's best or second or third best album. I might find a place for it in the top 200, but 5th? Nah. And somehow, they managed to include "The Joshua Tree" and "All that You Can't Leave Behind" but ignored "War," which is U2's best album, and if you don't agree with me on that you are a bad, bad person that Bono wouldn't like.

The next batch are predictable - Stones, Nirvana, Carol King ("Tapestry" always gets on these lists, not my bag but hey), Bob Dylan (3). There's some Prince -- I must admit, "Purple Rain" is a fine album -- and I think Santana's "Supernatural" is over-rated at #11 but clearly belongs somewhere.

But then, at #17, I see AC/DC's "Back in Black." Don't get me wrong, it's a great album. I bought it when it was new and I still like to put it on and play it loud. But I'm sorry, I don't see a place for it in the top 50 ... or top 100 ... maybe not even in the top 200. Especially when there is not ONE album by the Kinks in the entire list.

NOT ... ONE ... ALBUM by one of the top four bands that led the British Invasion, the band that introduced the heavy metal riff guitar with "You Really Got Me," the band that introduced transvestites to rock and roll with "Lola." Not one. Wow. The Beatles have 5 albums in the top 200 (plus one each for Lennon, McCartney, and Harrison), the Rolling Stones 4, the Who one (? Just ONE, for "Who's Next"? Not "Tommy", or" Quadrophenia"?), and the Kinks zip. But AC/DC has TWO in the top 60 ("Highway to Hell" at 58th), DEF LEPPARD has two, and even Bon fricking Jovi made the list.

In fact, heavy metal is over-represented. Usually, that's not the problem -- it doesn't get the credit it deserves. I'm glad Black Sabbath's "Paranoid" made the list, and one Ozzy Osbourne album, "Blizzard of Oz". Metallica shows up FOUR times -- maybe too many since that's more than Bob Dylan, Pink Floyd, or the Who. Or the Kinks times one million.

They made some VERY questionable choices on including soundtracks. Most lists along these lines don't consider soundtracks, although occasionally a soundtrack can be a good album, particularly if done by one artist -- listen to "The Virgin Suicides" by French popsters Air, or the soundtrack "Obscured by Clouds," by Pink Floyd. But to include the soundtrack to "Grease"?? Seriously, WTF mate? I'll give you the soundtrack to "Saturday Night Fever." As sick as I was of disco and the BeeGees, that movie soundtrack featured a lot of (gag) influential and popular songs. But "Dirty Dancing"? "Top Gun"? "TITANIC"??? How can you even let an album that Celine Dion had ANYTHING to do with get onto this sort of list? "Oh Brother Where Art Thou?" Hey, bluegrass and roots are great but if you needed to include something along those lines, better to avoid the movie-fied compilation. "Footloose"? "Forrest Gump"? I never heard anybody talk about the "Forrest Gump" soundtrack before, and they have it at #173, right behind an album by SHAKIRA (gag). By my count, that's eight soundtracks. Four percent of the "definitive" albums of all time are soundtracks. Wow.

Let's see some other dubious inclusions. The Dave Matthews band made the list. As one reviewer (who's name I forget) said, they are music for old people who want to think they're getting funky. By that, I mean they suck.

Kid Rock has one of the top 200 albums of all time? Tying The Who and beating The Kinks? I don't think so. Ditto Matchbox Twenty, one of the lamest acts ever to be a commercial success.

Janet Jackson is picked for TWO albums? Wow. Hell, her brother Michael only had three, and only two for Marvin Gaye and one for Miles Davis.

Oasis' "What's the Story Morning Glory" makes the list, but only at 124, behind such standouts as Kenny G's "Breathless" (Kenny G????) and CELINE DION and MARIAH CAREY.

There's plenty of rap, some of which I recognize (NWA, OutKast) and know has been important, even though I don't like it. But Will Smith has an album in the top 200. Will was a congenial rapper -- but honestly, wasn't his rap the hip-hop equivalent of bubblegum pop? So where's Sweet?

There is one inspired inclusion at #198, an album by a group that has enjoyed great commercial success but is usually ignored for such lists. Prog-rock sci-fi classic "2112", by Canadian power-trio Rush. That is a great choice. But it isn't enough to keep me from saying that overall, this list is a pretty feeble effort that includes far too much crap.

One Down, Six to Go

Today, we conquered one of the Seven Summits of the world. Our hardy band of explorers risked life and limb and weathered considerable hardship to slog to the top of the dreaded, fabeled, revered, killer-peak known as Mount Kosciuzsko, the tallest mountain on the Australian continent.

Impressed? Well, you shouldn't be really. Kozzie is the lowest of the so-called Seven Summits; it's only 2228 meters, about 7200 feet. And the "climb" starts at about 1900 meters, the point where you get off the cushy chairlift from the ski resort of Thredbo to begin your "assault". I saw fat 70-year-olds on the "peak". Really, it's just a pleasant 3-hour stroll through some pretty, alpine land, with just a couple of steep spots making you huff and puff a bit. The biggest hazards on a nice day like today are sunburn and the flies -- and the stiff breezes even kept the biting flies at bay, so that was nice.

To further detract from the "accomplishment," some geological spoilsports don't even count Kozzie as the tallest summit on the Australian continent. They lump Australia and the island of New Guinea into one continent called, unoriginally, "Australia-New Guinea". (Probably a good call geologically; Australia and New Guinea were attached until about 10,000 years ago.) And on the Indonesian western half of the island (Papua-New Guinea controls the eastern half) is a mountain called Puncak Jaya that is about 5000 meters high -- TWICE as high as Kozzie.

And at that, Kozzie isn't even the highest mountain in lands controlled by the Commonwealth of Australia! Some place called Heard Island, an uninhabited volcanic island in the Southern Ocean near Antarctica, has Mawson Peak at 2745 meters (about 8900 feet).

But I'll stick by my claim to have conquered one of the Seven Summits. Naturally, it will take a while to work up to Everest... so keep reading for progress on that.

Tough Times in Indonesia

If you look at a map, it quickly jumps out that Australia's largest neighbor by far is Indonesia. So the Australian press naturally devotes quite a bit of coverage to their giant northern neighbor. And lately, that coverage has been one disaster after another.

Yesterday, an Indonesian airplane overshot the runway at Yogyakarta's airport and crashed and burned on landing, with over 20 people killed, including several Australian government officials, in what appears to be an accident. The day before, a major earthquake (hardly a rarity in quake-prone Indonesia) struck Sumatra and killed at least 70. The week before, landslides after heavy rains killed 40 people in eastern Indonesia. A few weeks ago, an Indonesian plane crashed in the jungle, over 100 killed. In January, a ferry sank in a storm, taking 400 people with her.

Nothing funny to say about this, but one serious piece of advice: don't take a ferry in any third world country. They tend to be overcrowded and poorly maintained. Just off the top of my head I can remember major ferry disasters in Indonesia, the Philippines, Senegal, Nigeria, Haiti...